


Drowning...does air really matter?

by Fandom_esque



Series: We Linger (in the shadows) [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Angst without a happy ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Guilt, Harry Clearwater Dies, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pack Dynamics, Sam Uley Bashing, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, cliff diving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29890629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_esque/pseuds/Fandom_esque
Summary: You didn’t think that Leah’ bitterness towards Sam and Emily was small, did you?Or: Seth is confused and doesn’t know how to help his sister, Sam not being a good pack leader, and a whole lotta Leah not knowing what to do with her life
Relationships: Leah Clearwater & Seth Clearwater, Leah Clearwater/Sam Uley, Sam Uley/Emily Young
Series: We Linger (in the shadows) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2155407
Kudos: 5





	Drowning...does air really matter?

Seth Clearwater was tired. 

He was tired of smiling too wide, he was tired of reassuring Jacob, his alpha, he was tired of seeing bitterness taint Leah until she was nearly unrecognizable. Long gone was the sister who used to kiss him on the cheek when he would come home from school, smearing chapstick smelling faintly of beeswax on his skin. Long gone was the sister who bundled him up in blankets and forced him to star gaze with her when he went through his first break-up, telling him that there were more people out there, that her love for him was like the stars. Endless.

(All that remained was a person overwhelmed by confusion and resentment, heart cracked into too many pieces for Seth to even begin to hope to be able to put back together.)

Now, Seth knew that Leah still loved him, but she now shied away from physical affection. It hurt him when she made an excuse instead of joining the movie nights the pack used to have, it carved a hole in Seth's chest when she sat alone in a corner at pack meetings, staring blankly at Sam and Emily. He knew she was thinking 'where did I go wrong?' Seth wanted to tell his sister that she didn't go wrong, that she was amazing and anyone who wouldn't see that didn't deserve her, that happiness was still an option.

Seth knew his sister almost too well. He saw through her facade, he knew when she was hurting and when she wasn't. Leah wore her scars as invisible things. She recoiled away from small touches like they burned her, she looked away from kisses and pecks with burning anguish painted on her face, she rejected everything, anything, in hopes that she wouldn't get hurt again.

(Leah, just let me heal you, let me tell you I care _, let me love you. Please._ )

Sometimes Seth knew his sister like the back of his own hand, but there were times when he didn't. He didn't understand why she would rake at her body in the dead of night with a wild, desperate gleam in her eyes, muttering "Maybe he'll love me now, maybe if I'm scarred enough he'll finally see the real me" like a mantra. That night (the first of many), Seth had never been so glad for their extra fast healing, thanks to their werewolf gene. 

The next morning Leah awoke to a tear dripping on her face. Sitting by her side, his face cast in shadow, was her little brother. She stared at the little tremors making their way through his gangly frame. 'Never grow up,' she thought. 'never stop being there to pull be from the darkness.' Leah cleared her throat and suddenly had an armful of long limbs and ebony hair. "Never do that again. Never try and harm yourself again. You hear me?! People need you Leah. The Pack needs you, Mom needs you, I need you. I can't loose anyone else, not after dad," he whispered brokenly. Leah numbly wrapped her arms around Seth, shocked. He cared...?

Seth suddenly sat up, clutching her tear and snot stained shirt with a vice like grip. "Promise me. Promise me you won't go that far again. Find other ways, talk to me, anything other than inflicting self harm. Promise me..." her little brother broke off timidly when he saw her blank face. Carefully, Leah cupped Seth's face, ignoring the part of her screaming _he'll leave you too don't get close we can't afford to break again_ and focused on his eyes. 

So much like their fathers, warm brown and slight amber mixing to create the perfect match, Leah felt a tear sliding down her cheek. "Okay," She whispered. "I promise." She drew Seth close to her and allowed herself to cry. Seth could feel the small jerks of Leah's body as she tried to conceal her hiccups. 

He made an effort to be louder, because he knew that she wanted to be strong. He fisted her shirt and allowed himself to enjoy the moment, even though bad circumstances had made it happen. He allowed himself to hope that this was the first step of trying to have a sister who was a little less broken, a little less scared. He allowed a small, sad smile when Leah squeezed him hours later.

(Leah never was any good at keeping promises, Seth remembered later that week. They had always been too much for her.)

Seth was tired of loosing count of the many times he had wormed his way into Leah's bed, and under her arms, over the past couple of years. He did it for weeks after her breakup with Sam, and again when his dad died. He petted her hair and murmured soothing little nothings, trying to ease some of the pain and guilt she must feel. If there was one thing Seth wanted in life, it would be for his older sister to not feel responsible for their dad's death.

He winced in pain at the still tender muscles that Leah had just prodded from his first shift. Seth threw his leg over Leah's waist and buried his nose in her neck. As far as he was concerned, he would always be there to protect her when she needed it, whether she realized or not. 

He finds her staring at a kitchen knife one day after school, gripping it but making no indication of moving. Seth quietly approached her and regarded her warily. Her eyes were wide and she looked scared. When he goes to pry the knife from her grasp, Leah jumps from her seat and brandishes it with all her fury. “Leah” he says. “I just want to help. Please me, or anyone, help you” Seth pleads. 

Leah starts laughing and Seth worries for a moment that she might start choking. “I almost did it little bro. I almost killed myself because this grief, it threatens to overwhelm me every single damn day. And do you know how tiring it is to feel wave after wave of guilt slamming into you, every minute of every hour? Fucking exhausting, that’s what. You’d’ve come home to me in on the kitchen floor, shallow slits in my wrists. I would’ve felt the pain I deserved” Leah told him brokenly, cracking a smile as if he was in on some private joke.

Seth is horrified. He hadn’t thought that his sister, whom he cared for deeply, was this far gone. He thought he was helping. As he worms his way under her arm that night, all he can think about is how cold Leah is, even with their above average temperatures. How much cooler a corpse would be. 

A month later the only male Clearwater goes to the lock store and buys a safe. He puts all sharp objects (and meds that Leah could potentially OD on) inside. Seth makes sure that the combination is something Leah would never guess, and that he and mom are the only ones who know the combo. New rules are established in their household, and safety measures are taken. Leah can now only shave with their mom present in the bathroom, and can only cook when someone else is there. Seth makes sure to keep his head clear when he shifts, in order for the safe password to remain a secret.

He tries to tell Sam, to have him check up on Leah, but he just brushes it off. The Alpha only thinking that Seth was playing it up. After all, what are teenagers without their dramatics. He sweeps a giggling Emily up in his arms, brushing his lips down her scar, and fails to notice the smoldering glare a certain ebony haired male gives him in response. 

When Leah slaps him across the cheek and screams that she wants to be left alone, Seth isn’t shocked. He’s just impressed that it didn’t happen sooner. As is mom hand him an ice pack wordlessly, he notices that she sports her own collection of bruises. When Seth shows up to patrol the next day with still healing scratches on his arms and face, no one questions it. He can see in their minds when they shift that they simply think that he had a small scuffle with an animal. No one even bothers to think that something bigger might be happening at home.

(Later on, Seth thinks that these are some of the reasons he joined Jacob’s pack. He desperately wanted, needed an Alpha who cared, someone who would listen.)

Seth is sick of seeing his sisters body lying still and rushing to check if her pulse still flutters, he despises how sometimes Leah wont eat anything for days, only staring at the wall and murmuring ‘Useless’ over and over and over. He hates how numb and desensitized to pulling Leah away from a cliff is for him. Seth didn’t think that most little brothers had near panic attacks daily when seeing the dull glint of metal, only to realize it was a car or hairpin. 

Seth Clearwater wonders, some weeks later, when he started fearing his sister.

~~(please let me rest, this burden is too much for me)~~

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea based my another work I wrote, A toast to the past, and how Seth always seemed a little too cheerful, a little too innocent. I’m convinced that he was hiding some inner pain or something. 
> 
> I also don’t think that Leahs feeling towards her breakup affected her much deeper than she let anyone think. Added on to the fact that she feels guilty for shifting and giving her father a heart attack, she self like she killed him. Seth would’ve tried to support his sister as best he could, but there’s only so much one can do. 
> 
> He and Sue would’ve neared the brunt of Leah’s outbursts, her outlets. I’m not saying that Leah would intentionally hurt either one of them, but I’m pretty sure as a wolf shifter your emotions are an a whole different level of ‘Intense’. I think it would be easy to not realize what you’re doing, or loose control of yourself. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
